Anyone who has followed my story knows that the search for purpose has featured strongly in my last couple of years. The journey continues …
In a talk I gave last year (see it here☝), I equated my situation as of being in a room with large windows albeit painted over. I know that something lies beyond the windows, but there is no way of telling what that is. The last couple of years have seen me undertake the laborious work of scraping off that paint to reveal the vista.
The one thing that has been clear to me is that purpose is not a destination, but rather, a journey. Last week, I took another major step in that journey – I finally accepted that not all of us have a purpose that has a title to it. We will not all be the doctor who …; the lawyer who …; the pastor who …; some of us will just be … Finally, I am comfortable with being just, Carol.
In the Bible, Lydia, the woman who sold purple cloth was lauded as one of the first converts to Christianity. I wonder whether she agonised as much as I do about her purpose in life or was she just doing what she needed to do to get by and feed her family; using her gifts to serve her family and community. Yet, she found herself a spot in the Bible.
What of her family – were they Christians? We are unlikely to ever know as this was not captured. If I were her daughter, would I feel compelled to sell purple cloth too so I can be ‘just like mum’? If I decided to be an events planner or a blogger, would I be deemed a failure because I shunned purple cloth?
During this time of physical distancing, I have had time to let the proverbial dust settle and with this I have cleared another pane on my paint laden windows. I have deleted a few things that I thought were important to me but have discovered in this time that I do not care so much for them. I figure, if I did not have the time to think about these things in the last one month, then it is unlikely that I ever will. So, I have chucked them.
My purpose … still a journey … always will be.
My joy will be in knowing that I have lived today in the best way that I possibly could. That where I fell short, it was not out of spite, but purely because I am human.
I will say, “No!” a lot more and a lot faster as it will move me forward faster, with less baggage and less guilt.
I will ask the hard questions a lot earlier in my relationships so that we can both shed our facades and enjoy each other a lot faster.
I will love my family fully for that is one purpose that I know God put squarely on me and no-one else – only I can be Kariuki’s wife; only I can be Okeefa’s and Michelle’s mum.
The rest will be revealed on the journey.
I plan on enjoying every step.