In … Out … In … Out

You don’t know the rhythm of your breath

Unless you have had difficulty breathing.

I am not asthmatic, I have no respiratory illness that I know of … Yet,

I cannot breathe. I breathe in, but don’t feel the relief of oxygen.
My brain tells me, I’d be dead if I wasn’t breathing, but my body seems to have forgotten what to do with the oxygen it takes in.

People are all around me and I know that I look normal, but

… I cannot breathe!

Is this what suffocation feels like? Like a heavy man has sat on my chest? … Wait!

I’m sitting upright
so no-one can sit on my chest. Yet … I still cannot breathe.
I’ve had a tough week and today, I get go home.  I’m so excited, but the emotions of the last 5 days (5 days!!!)are crushing me. I hadn’t allowed myself to feel … to feel scared or overwhelmed, to feel excited … I just got through. I’ve become an expert at getting through… but now, waiting to go home … I just want to cry, but I can’t and because I can’t, I cannot breathe.

In … Out … In … Out … Is this what they teach you in Lamaze … just keep breathing.

My mind tells me, I’m OK, but my lungs don’t seem to have gotten the message. I think I once read that lack of oxygen causes light headedness … Is that what I’m feeling? My head doesn’t quite feel right … Will I pass out? But, I can’t, no, I won’t … after all I’m breathing fine. In … Out … In … Out…

People are crowding me, will they notice the panic in my eyes? …but I’m strong, why am I panicking? I don’t want them to know that I’m panicking … Am I panicking? I don’t know!

In ……. Out … In …….. Out … In …… Maybe if I breathe IN more than I breathe out, the oxygen will flood my system and I will stabilise … In ……. Out … In …….. Out … In ……It’s not working!

In … Out ………. In … Out ……….. In … The opposite has no effect either. And before I can stop myself, the tears are here, I hope this brings relief. I want to scream, but I may cause a panic and I do not wish to be detained, so I scream silently and I keep at it … In… Out … In … Out … In … Out …

This too shall pass … In … Out … In … Out …